Archive for August, 2008
How can you help with the parenting of baby hamsters?
Tuesday, August 12th, 2008How can I switch the category of my Yahoo group from Single Parents to Parenting?
Monday, August 11th, 2008
ILuvMyTomTom asked:
I want to switch the category that my group is under from single parents to just general parenting since I want mothers who aren’t single to be in my group, but I don’t know how, please help!!
Mark
I want to switch the category that my group is under from single parents to just general parenting since I want mothers who aren’t single to be in my group, but I don’t know how, please help!!
Mark
Parenting and Divorce: It’s About You!
Friday, August 8th, 2008
Ed Sherman asked:
As a parent, you are at the center of your child’s life, but first you are at the center of your life, and what your child needs more than anything is for you to be okay. Being OK will also improve your negotiations with your Ex over all issues.
There are a lot of things you can’t change, can’t control, so you have to play the hand you’ve been dealt. But the one thing you can do something about, the one thing you can control, is how you react to things that happen. From now on, what you do and what you say is entirely up to you — you are in charge! I want to help you learn about the things you can do and say that will greatly improve your chances for a better future sooner, and the health and well-being of your child. That’s what my life’s work is about — helping people get through divorce with a better outcome.
How you feel, who you are, what you do, choices you make, and how you act toward the other parent, these will all have a powerful impact on your child and on your own life from this day forward. As soon as possible, you need to turn away from whatever upsets you experienced and are now tangled in. Let it all become the past, not your future — it’s all old news and bad habits. Now it’s time to turn your attention to creating new habits, a better attitude, and a calm, strong, outward-looking center. Doing this will help you, your child, and will improve all your contacts and negotiations with your child’s other parent. It will greatly increase your chances for a peaceful settlement of all issues.
So, while you are struggling to deal with events in your daily life, high up at the top of your list of priorities is your determination to find a new center in a new life, to create calmness, strength and optimism at your core. While life swirls on, you keep this constantly in mind and you become patient because you know you are on a journey of a thousand small steps. Whenever you wander off course, or get blown off, fuhgedaboudit! Pick yourself up and put yourself back on course to how you want to be.
If you’re like most people and finding this to be a very trying time, I’d like you to read Tips for getting through a tough time right now.
The other parent
You can’t control your Ex but you can control how you act and react toward your child’s other parent. You have to keep in mind that your Ex also faces fears and challenges. Above all, you must know that his/her state of mind is extremely important to you for two reasons: (1) this is your child’s other parent and your child needs both parents to get centered and settled so they can give the child a feeling of well-being on both sides, and (2) you can’t negotiate terms or work on parenting arrangements when either of you are fearful, angry or upset. You need to help calm one another’s fears and spread reassurance that financial and parenting arrangements can and will be worked out. Ideally, you will make temporary arrangements for support and parenting that will get you through for a while until you can reach a final agreement. The important thing is to try everything you can do on your own before you hire an attorney to go to court for custody and visitation orders, because that is certain to get you into a very nasty and very expensive legal battle that will surely damage your child, both parents and all chances for future co-parenting. If nothing else works, ask your Ex to join you, for the sake of your child, in mediation just on temporary arrangements. Meanwhile, keep plugging away at things you know you can accomplish, doing things you know you can control.
Things you can control
You can’t control the other parent, but you can control how you react to things the other parent says and does. Remember, “If a dog bites you once, shame on the dog; but if the dog bites you twice, shame on you.” How long, how often, are you going to let your Ex push your buttons, get you riled, make you feel bad? People are more complicated than dogs, so it takes more than two or three bites and it’s especially difficult when you are interacting regularly about your child, but at some point you have to take responsibility for your own part in cycles that play and replay over and over. At some point, it’s up to you to rise above it and find some way to change how you react to the same old triggers. Yes, it’s best if the other parent is doing the same thing, but remember … you can’t control that. Focus on what you can control — you. Parenting is emotional deep water, but for the sake of your child and yourself, you need to turn the boat and start rowing toward a friendly shore and a more useful way of looking at things.
The first part of the equation, the first place to start, it’s all about you and the things you, and only you, can do to make things better.
Parting thoughts. Unless you have an emergency, don’t go to an attorney until you first get organized and prepared, figure out what you want from the attorney, and particularly what attorney to go to. Don’t talk to your Ex about divorce or parenting until you learn how to reduce upset and lay the groundwork for successful negotiation.
© 2008 Ed Sherman and Nolo Press Occidental
Author
Ed Sherman is a family law attorney, divorce expert, and founder of Nolo Press. He started the self-help law movement in 1971 when he published the first edition of How to Do Your Own Divorce, and founded the paralegal industry in 1973. With more than a million books sold, Ed has saved the public billions of dollars in legal fees while making divorce go more smoothly and easily for millions of readers. His latest book, Make Any Divorce Better, does exactly what the title says.
Stella
As a parent, you are at the center of your child’s life, but first you are at the center of your life, and what your child needs more than anything is for you to be okay. Being OK will also improve your negotiations with your Ex over all issues.
There are a lot of things you can’t change, can’t control, so you have to play the hand you’ve been dealt. But the one thing you can do something about, the one thing you can control, is how you react to things that happen. From now on, what you do and what you say is entirely up to you — you are in charge! I want to help you learn about the things you can do and say that will greatly improve your chances for a better future sooner, and the health and well-being of your child. That’s what my life’s work is about — helping people get through divorce with a better outcome.
How you feel, who you are, what you do, choices you make, and how you act toward the other parent, these will all have a powerful impact on your child and on your own life from this day forward. As soon as possible, you need to turn away from whatever upsets you experienced and are now tangled in. Let it all become the past, not your future — it’s all old news and bad habits. Now it’s time to turn your attention to creating new habits, a better attitude, and a calm, strong, outward-looking center. Doing this will help you, your child, and will improve all your contacts and negotiations with your child’s other parent. It will greatly increase your chances for a peaceful settlement of all issues.
So, while you are struggling to deal with events in your daily life, high up at the top of your list of priorities is your determination to find a new center in a new life, to create calmness, strength and optimism at your core. While life swirls on, you keep this constantly in mind and you become patient because you know you are on a journey of a thousand small steps. Whenever you wander off course, or get blown off, fuhgedaboudit! Pick yourself up and put yourself back on course to how you want to be.
If you’re like most people and finding this to be a very trying time, I’d like you to read Tips for getting through a tough time right now.
The other parent
You can’t control your Ex but you can control how you act and react toward your child’s other parent. You have to keep in mind that your Ex also faces fears and challenges. Above all, you must know that his/her state of mind is extremely important to you for two reasons: (1) this is your child’s other parent and your child needs both parents to get centered and settled so they can give the child a feeling of well-being on both sides, and (2) you can’t negotiate terms or work on parenting arrangements when either of you are fearful, angry or upset. You need to help calm one another’s fears and spread reassurance that financial and parenting arrangements can and will be worked out. Ideally, you will make temporary arrangements for support and parenting that will get you through for a while until you can reach a final agreement. The important thing is to try everything you can do on your own before you hire an attorney to go to court for custody and visitation orders, because that is certain to get you into a very nasty and very expensive legal battle that will surely damage your child, both parents and all chances for future co-parenting. If nothing else works, ask your Ex to join you, for the sake of your child, in mediation just on temporary arrangements. Meanwhile, keep plugging away at things you know you can accomplish, doing things you know you can control.
Things you can control
You can’t control the other parent, but you can control how you react to things the other parent says and does. Remember, “If a dog bites you once, shame on the dog; but if the dog bites you twice, shame on you.” How long, how often, are you going to let your Ex push your buttons, get you riled, make you feel bad? People are more complicated than dogs, so it takes more than two or three bites and it’s especially difficult when you are interacting regularly about your child, but at some point you have to take responsibility for your own part in cycles that play and replay over and over. At some point, it’s up to you to rise above it and find some way to change how you react to the same old triggers. Yes, it’s best if the other parent is doing the same thing, but remember … you can’t control that. Focus on what you can control — you. Parenting is emotional deep water, but for the sake of your child and yourself, you need to turn the boat and start rowing toward a friendly shore and a more useful way of looking at things.
The first part of the equation, the first place to start, it’s all about you and the things you, and only you, can do to make things better.
Parting thoughts. Unless you have an emergency, don’t go to an attorney until you first get organized and prepared, figure out what you want from the attorney, and particularly what attorney to go to. Don’t talk to your Ex about divorce or parenting until you learn how to reduce upset and lay the groundwork for successful negotiation.
© 2008 Ed Sherman and Nolo Press Occidental
Author
Ed Sherman is a family law attorney, divorce expert, and founder of Nolo Press. He started the self-help law movement in 1971 when he published the first edition of How to Do Your Own Divorce, and founded the paralegal industry in 1973. With more than a million books sold, Ed has saved the public billions of dollars in legal fees while making divorce go more smoothly and easily for millions of readers. His latest book, Make Any Divorce Better, does exactly what the title says.
Stella
If parents down the street are unfit parents, does it demean your own parenting?
Thursday, August 7th, 2008
Laptop Jesus asked:
I’m trying to understand the idea that gay marriage demeans the marriage of a man and a woman.
I’m trying to understand the idea that gay marriage demeans the marriage of a man and a woman.
So, if you are a parent, and someone who is a horrible parent is also a parent, does it undermind YOUR parenting? If so, how? If someone has a marriage that you wouldn’t personally choose, how does that undermind YOUR marriage?
Thank you for explaining this to me 
Marion
Dating as a Single Parent: Online Dating Safety
Thursday, August 7th, 2008
Billy Baker asked:
nline dating for single parents gone through the roof? Mainly because there are so many things to juggle such as sleepovers, visitations, schedules and more. Then we have the costs of pursuing the potential partner. I’ll stop there because just those points alone explain why online dating for single parents is here to stay.
However, just as with dating in the real world, there are very real safety issues that you should consider before embarking on a cyberspace romance with your new soul mate. You may well be a responsible parent, but that does not make you immune to internet dangers. Follow these sensible precautions to ensure you find yourself an online romance and not a cyber stalker:
* Phone numbers. There is a very good reason why dating sites recommend not giving out your phone number too soon. Depending on where you live, vast amounts of information can be obtained from your phone number. If the friendship goes belly up do you really want to have to change your numbers because you are being annoyed by some deranged stalker? Do you want them annoying you at work? Be honest, would you hand over your telephone number to a complete stranger you weren’t sure of in a bar? At least you have actually seen first hand the stranger in the bar.
* Financial situation. If you are wealthy, lucky you. Don’t go advertising it while online dating though. Just like the real world there are also plenty of other single parents who would like to hook up with some extra cash. Be careful what you divulge. Careless details about expensive vacations and similar may well be giving away too many clues initially. Do you want to be liked for you or for your cash? There are plenty of unscrupulous individuals masquerading as singles who are looking to prey on singles with money.
* Personal details. Beware revealing your strett address and phone number too earlier in communications. A sensible potential partner will understand. If you live in a small town be wary of inadvertently mentioning you work for the baker or live in the lilac shingled house. It won’t be too hard for the other person to suss you out if they wanted to.
* Protect your children. Sadly, there are some pedophiles out there pretending to be single dads and moms to prey on your children. The fact that you are a single parent is enough information to start with. Be a little gender and age non specific when mentioning your children. You should become a little suspicious if there is more interest in your kids than you and it doesn’t matter how many children you have. Do not provide any photos of your children.
* First date safety. Just like your mother told you when you first started dating “Don’t be getting in any cars with strangers.” Just because you may see yourself as a parent first and foremost does not make you immune to dangerous strangers. When meeting up with new dates, do so in well lit public and busy places. Lunches can be good. Tell someone where you are going and with whom. Be sure to have a contingency plan in case your date turns out to resemble the motel owner from “Psycho”. Trust your instincts. If they creep you out, move on politely and quickly.
* Read the fine print. As with anything else you purchase over the Net, it is always a sensible idea to read the small print. Are there monthly fees? What do you actually get for your money? Will it cost you more to contact those you fancy? Is the dating site reputable? Using a credit card with legitimate sites is no more dangerous than using it in a retail store. There is information stating that today, it’s safer? Do your homework before handing over the plastic.
Single parent online dating can be an effective way for single moms and dads to meet a new partner. That siad, safety practice is not only important to you but you children too.
For the single parent looking for romance, single parent dating websites have many advantages. For those looking to save some extra time, this site reviews dating sites for you allowing you to select the one that is best for your needs.
Justin
nline dating for single parents gone through the roof? Mainly because there are so many things to juggle such as sleepovers, visitations, schedules and more. Then we have the costs of pursuing the potential partner. I’ll stop there because just those points alone explain why online dating for single parents is here to stay.
However, just as with dating in the real world, there are very real safety issues that you should consider before embarking on a cyberspace romance with your new soul mate. You may well be a responsible parent, but that does not make you immune to internet dangers. Follow these sensible precautions to ensure you find yourself an online romance and not a cyber stalker:
* Phone numbers. There is a very good reason why dating sites recommend not giving out your phone number too soon. Depending on where you live, vast amounts of information can be obtained from your phone number. If the friendship goes belly up do you really want to have to change your numbers because you are being annoyed by some deranged stalker? Do you want them annoying you at work? Be honest, would you hand over your telephone number to a complete stranger you weren’t sure of in a bar? At least you have actually seen first hand the stranger in the bar.
* Financial situation. If you are wealthy, lucky you. Don’t go advertising it while online dating though. Just like the real world there are also plenty of other single parents who would like to hook up with some extra cash. Be careful what you divulge. Careless details about expensive vacations and similar may well be giving away too many clues initially. Do you want to be liked for you or for your cash? There are plenty of unscrupulous individuals masquerading as singles who are looking to prey on singles with money.
* Personal details. Beware revealing your strett address and phone number too earlier in communications. A sensible potential partner will understand. If you live in a small town be wary of inadvertently mentioning you work for the baker or live in the lilac shingled house. It won’t be too hard for the other person to suss you out if they wanted to.
* Protect your children. Sadly, there are some pedophiles out there pretending to be single dads and moms to prey on your children. The fact that you are a single parent is enough information to start with. Be a little gender and age non specific when mentioning your children. You should become a little suspicious if there is more interest in your kids than you and it doesn’t matter how many children you have. Do not provide any photos of your children.
* First date safety. Just like your mother told you when you first started dating “Don’t be getting in any cars with strangers.” Just because you may see yourself as a parent first and foremost does not make you immune to dangerous strangers. When meeting up with new dates, do so in well lit public and busy places. Lunches can be good. Tell someone where you are going and with whom. Be sure to have a contingency plan in case your date turns out to resemble the motel owner from “Psycho”. Trust your instincts. If they creep you out, move on politely and quickly.
* Read the fine print. As with anything else you purchase over the Net, it is always a sensible idea to read the small print. Are there monthly fees? What do you actually get for your money? Will it cost you more to contact those you fancy? Is the dating site reputable? Using a credit card with legitimate sites is no more dangerous than using it in a retail store. There is information stating that today, it’s safer? Do your homework before handing over the plastic.
Single parent online dating can be an effective way for single moms and dads to meet a new partner. That siad, safety practice is not only important to you but you children too.
For the single parent looking for romance, single parent dating websites have many advantages. For those looking to save some extra time, this site reviews dating sites for you allowing you to select the one that is best for your needs.
Justin
Are you Performing Within your Own Purpose or Under your Parents’ Passion?
Sunday, August 3rd, 2008
Niquenya D. Fulbright, Life Coach asked:
One of the primary complaints I hear from my coaching clients is that they are unhappy in their professions. Too often, after further exploration of the source of this unhappiness, it is revealed that these individuals did not pursue their current career paths by their own conscious choice but rather to appease their parents. It seems that parental influence plays a major role in whether or not one is capable of pursuing their dreams.
This is not a phenomenon unique to life coaching clients. My mother, an esthetics and cosmetology instructor, is often surprised by the varying backgrounds that make up her class compositions. She ponders why at least half of her students possess experience and post-doctoral degrees in the fields of Computer Science, Healthcare or Law and yet are so eager to start up vocational training in the beauty field. The answer is almost always the same; the parents are to blame.
Socioeconomic concerns make it easy for parents to reinforce traditionally accepted ideals of success. Your parents want the best for you and so offer up strong advice in regards to your future. From the time we are first conceived, our parents begin to map out our lives. They dream about the people we will become and they set certain expectations on how we will fulfill those dreams. Then as we grow, our parents teach us the values and belief systems they hope will be instrumental in pushing us toward achieving success. The problem with this well-meaning effort is that success may have a different definition for you than for your parents.
How you define success is a very personal journey. While societal norms may define success in terms of monetary gain and glorified professions such as doctor, lawyer, or IT professional; one can choose to define success as simply having a healthy family. For the purpose of this article, I define success as what makes you feel fulfilled or happy.
Success, by this definition, can only be attained if one is walking within their own purpose. This means that you must set aside parental influences to tap into what your unique strengths and desires are. Go on a journey of self-discovery and explore the possibilities within your distinct purpose. Never mind how passionate your parents’ dreams are for your future. You must embrace your own destiny by deciding your path based upon your individual success definition.
Don’t beat yourself up if it has taken you 20 years to realize that you are not doing what you truly love with your life. It is never too late to go on the exploratory journey to self-discovery. The hardest step is to decide to start performing within your own purpose rather than under the cloud of your parents’ passion.
Megan
One of the primary complaints I hear from my coaching clients is that they are unhappy in their professions. Too often, after further exploration of the source of this unhappiness, it is revealed that these individuals did not pursue their current career paths by their own conscious choice but rather to appease their parents. It seems that parental influence plays a major role in whether or not one is capable of pursuing their dreams.
This is not a phenomenon unique to life coaching clients. My mother, an esthetics and cosmetology instructor, is often surprised by the varying backgrounds that make up her class compositions. She ponders why at least half of her students possess experience and post-doctoral degrees in the fields of Computer Science, Healthcare or Law and yet are so eager to start up vocational training in the beauty field. The answer is almost always the same; the parents are to blame.
Socioeconomic concerns make it easy for parents to reinforce traditionally accepted ideals of success. Your parents want the best for you and so offer up strong advice in regards to your future. From the time we are first conceived, our parents begin to map out our lives. They dream about the people we will become and they set certain expectations on how we will fulfill those dreams. Then as we grow, our parents teach us the values and belief systems they hope will be instrumental in pushing us toward achieving success. The problem with this well-meaning effort is that success may have a different definition for you than for your parents.
How you define success is a very personal journey. While societal norms may define success in terms of monetary gain and glorified professions such as doctor, lawyer, or IT professional; one can choose to define success as simply having a healthy family. For the purpose of this article, I define success as what makes you feel fulfilled or happy.
Success, by this definition, can only be attained if one is walking within their own purpose. This means that you must set aside parental influences to tap into what your unique strengths and desires are. Go on a journey of self-discovery and explore the possibilities within your distinct purpose. Never mind how passionate your parents’ dreams are for your future. You must embrace your own destiny by deciding your path based upon your individual success definition.
Don’t beat yourself up if it has taken you 20 years to realize that you are not doing what you truly love with your life. It is never too late to go on the exploratory journey to self-discovery. The hardest step is to decide to start performing within your own purpose rather than under the cloud of your parents’ passion.
Megan
Sports Parents Need Mental Training Too
Saturday, August 2nd, 2008
Dr. Patrick Cohn And Lisa Cohn asked:
As a sports psychology expert, I often work very closely with my students’ parents when I provide one-on-one mental coaching for young athletes. That’s because it helps me—and my students–when parents are knowledgeable about “mental game” strategies for young athletes.
Yes, parents need mental training, too!
Parent sometimes can impede my mental coaching process, even though they have the best intentions.
Parents’ expectations can pressure young athletes. Parents will often impose their own expectations on their kids, thinking that they are actually boosting their confidence. But often, the opposite is true.
When coaching my students in golf, I try to help the parents and athletes understand that strict expectations limit kids’ performance. They often do this by undermining kids’ confidence.
Confidence leads athletes into the winner’s circle. Expectations lead athletes to frustration when they are not performing up to their self-imposed ideals.
When working with students, I teach these concepts and help young athletes identify expectations that hurt their performance.
Parents, in their efforts to be supportive, often say or do things that are interpreted by the child as expectations. Let’s get back to my golf example. A parent, with good intentions, might say, “You should be able to shoot even par on this course today – you have done it before.”
It sounds supportive and seems like the correct thing to say, right? Not from a mental game perspective. Young golfers can interpret such statements in surprising ways. In this case, the child may think he should shoot even par and if he doesn’t, he’s letting down his parents.
I know…sounds like a stretch, but this is how the mind of the young athlete works. He internalizes your high expectations, then becomes more conscious about his score for the day. He believes he should shoot even par for the day.
This is why parents need mental training too. You need to impart the mental game lessons that I teach my students.
Robert
As a sports psychology expert, I often work very closely with my students’ parents when I provide one-on-one mental coaching for young athletes. That’s because it helps me—and my students–when parents are knowledgeable about “mental game” strategies for young athletes.
Yes, parents need mental training, too!
Parent sometimes can impede my mental coaching process, even though they have the best intentions.
Parents’ expectations can pressure young athletes. Parents will often impose their own expectations on their kids, thinking that they are actually boosting their confidence. But often, the opposite is true.
When coaching my students in golf, I try to help the parents and athletes understand that strict expectations limit kids’ performance. They often do this by undermining kids’ confidence.
Confidence leads athletes into the winner’s circle. Expectations lead athletes to frustration when they are not performing up to their self-imposed ideals.
When working with students, I teach these concepts and help young athletes identify expectations that hurt their performance.
Parents, in their efforts to be supportive, often say or do things that are interpreted by the child as expectations. Let’s get back to my golf example. A parent, with good intentions, might say, “You should be able to shoot even par on this course today – you have done it before.”
It sounds supportive and seems like the correct thing to say, right? Not from a mental game perspective. Young golfers can interpret such statements in surprising ways. In this case, the child may think he should shoot even par and if he doesn’t, he’s letting down his parents.
I know…sounds like a stretch, but this is how the mind of the young athlete works. He internalizes your high expectations, then becomes more conscious about his score for the day. He believes he should shoot even par for the day.
This is why parents need mental training too. You need to impart the mental game lessons that I teach my students.
Robert
